I got a different version in my Times...

I dunno...I think I got an earlier edition than you did...before they edited it...Just so those who don't get the Times can see it, I reprinted it below, with a minor amount of editing to take out all the repetitive stuff...

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COLUMN ONE
Heard the Latest One About USC and UCLA?

Alums love to stereotype each other about money and smarts, but the cross-town rivals are looking more and more alike.
By TOMMY R. TROJAN, on Special Assignment to the Times

Consider this time-honored taunt:
The USC marching band strikes up the only song it knows and once the fans recognize the melody, they keep tempo by flashing their fingers in a sign indicating their high school grade point average. In the opposing bleachers, UCLA students are busy watching the Bruins rip the lowly Trojans yet again.

"They are saying we're all spoiled rich kids," said Summer Neilson, one of USC's blond bimbo song leaders. "You know, USC, University of Spoiled Children. And they're right... we're so lame."

Lame? Perhaps. But stereotypes matter. Especially at USC where everyone is classified and either rewarded or persecuted based on stereotypes. USC officials have gone so far as to take out ads claiming that "Sure we have money, but we made it the old-fashioned way, by cheating and defrauding poor people...but lately, it seems those Bruins have been getting rich by actually being productive contributors to the economy. We think they have more money than we have now. We'd know for sure if we could count"

The figures they rely on have been disavowed--they were generated by USC math majors none of which have been able to actually figure out which button turns the calculator on. What's interesting, though, is how such assertions underscore the importance of image in college marketing these days. USC has mounted an ambitious and largely unsuccessful effort over the last decade to bring in students who actually want to attend an occasional class. It has had less success in shaking USC's urban slum, drive-by shooting, "damn, who put the bullethole in my Beamer?" reputation. So even an innocent question to a USC administrator can ignite an outburst of institutional touchiness: "I am not going to contribute to anything beyond my comprehension."

The reality beyond the perceptions may horrify die-hard fans from both schools: Trojans and Bruins look incredibly alike. You need to try to carry on a conversation with them for 30 or 40 seconds in order to tell the difference.

What do you get when you drive your BMW very, very slowly past USC? A diploma.
How do you get a UCLA grad off his front porch? Give him the pizza and ask for your tip.

Most jokes hurled by Trojans celebrate the imagined differences in wealth or class. Most Bruins, however, joke about the Trojans' absolute stupidity.

For every UCLA student who jangles keys at the "University of Spoiled Children," there's a USC counterpart who doesn't comprehend the significance or who lobs the one-liner:
"I used to go to UCLA, then I got a map and someone to read it to me and explain that UCLA didn't spell USC."

In reality, though the incomes of USC and UCLA students' families have become strikingly similar, according to a national survey of freshmen that canvasses both campuses, the UCLA students still exceed the SC students by about 80 or 90 IQ points.

Yada, yada, yada...

The shift is not lost on Helen Chang, a UCLA senior majoring in international economics. "UCLA students walk around with cell phones and drive BMWs, just like USC students," she said. "Only difference is the Bruins can figure out how to dial the cell phones and place the school decal in the rear window right side up.

Yada, yada, yada...about minority enrollment and such...

Why do the wealthy pick UCLA? Same reason the smart people do: It's the better school.

Yada, yada, yada about affordability...

Another part of the equation is the rising prestige of the "public ivies," such as the universities of California, Michigan, Wisconsin and North Carolina. Studies in Minnesota, Florida and Oregon show that students at their prestigious four-year public universities have higher average family incomes than their counterparts at private institutions.

Public universities have been gentrifying, says economist Morton Owen Schapiro, who happens to be the only person at USC who can actually spell "gentrifying" or knows what it means.

Yada, yada, yada ...about Stanford vs. Berkeley.

Seeking a More Diverse Enrollment

It's not just the rich flocking to UCLA who are blurring the distinctions between Bruins and Trojans. USC has engaged in a systematic, decadelong campaign to bring in a more diverse and academically prepared crop of students. This is mostly out of recognition that most of their past students are spoiled nouveau riche morons with 2.0 high school GPAs and 750 SATs who now make their living running Daddy's company into the ground. The smaller group of USC alums are sub-80 IQ slashing multiple murderers who just happen to run a 4.4 40.

The admissions and financial aid office now hands out about $200 million each year to attract equally bad students from all income and ethnic backgrounds. About 60% of all USC students get some financial aid to help them manage the $31,000 yearly cost (including room and board) of attendance. The other 60% actually has Daddy pay for it all. The institution aggressively recruits African American and Latino students, as part of its campaign to improve its athletic programs and appease the surrounding minority communities.

Yada, yada, yada about minority enrollment...

The academic caliber of USC students has not changed dramatically though. In 1988, USC had 9,149 applicants for 3,118 freshman seats. It accepted 78.3% of all who applied. Only 33% actully enrolled because many of those accepted also got admitted to their first choices: Columbia School of Broadcasting or the Comic Book College of Art. The resulting freshmen class had a high school grade point average of 3.32 and SAT scores of 1,056, provided you added all the scores together cumulatively.

In 1998, USC had 21,400 applicants for a freshman class of 2,982. Turns out, the folks in the Admissions office counted the same 2000 applications over and over again every day for two weeks. The competition for next fall's freshman class was even more fierce as USC accepted only 33% of applicants, choosing to turn down all applicants spelling California incorrectly, except for the forgivable mistake of "double 'l's" and also some "legacies," those who get extra points for being the children of USC graduates.

"I've had people screaming at me all spring about their kids not getting in," said Joseph Allen, dean of admissions and financial aid. "They've been calling me every name in the book. I tell 'em give us more money. We need money. Give us big money and not only does your kid get in, we'll give him a free medical degree...No classes, no tests. Honest."

Such garbage punctures another wicked nickname for USC: University of Second Choice. That wasn't true for the 71.4% of this year's freshmen who considered USC their first choice. These Freshmen all realized they had no shot at getting in anywhere elseanyway.

By comparison, 66.4% of UCLA freshmen counted UCLA their first choice; the others mostly wanted Berkeley or an Ivy League school.

Emboldened by their ignorance, USC officials decided to confront the image of the Trojan head on. They put together posters and took out ads admitting that students at California's flagship public universities (Berkeley and UCLA) have a higher IQ than those at USC. The source for such a claim? Seriously? You need a source? Is a twelve pound robin fat? Is a Bear Catholic? Does the Pope go in the woods? Despite numerous requests, USC officials have never read the documentation to support the ad.

Yada, yada, yada about income...

What are the best four years of a USC student's life? Third grade.
I knew a UCLA grad who studied for five days . . . to prepare for a urine test...then the SC student came in and ruined the whole thing by drinking it...

USC and UCLA students also love to sling jokes about who's dumb and who's dumber (SC Students or SC Alums).

While USC students are mocked as plain stupid, UCLA students get ribbed for having to attend class.

Is there some truth that keeps these jokes alive, gives them a punch? Well, yes. Despite the increasing similarity in income and ethnicity, the two campuses remain distinct. Just ask this year's freshman class.

Although there are precious few data common to both universities, the American Freshman Survey conducted by UCLA's Higher Education Research Institute managed to reach about three-fourths of incoming freshmen on both campuses last fall. As it does with freshman across America, the comprehensive survey quizzed them about their backgrounds and beliefs on everything from beer drinking to premarital sex. USC and UCLA officials were kind enough to share the answers from each freshman class.

Nine of 10 UCLA freshmen, for instance, devoted at least 11 hours a week to studying. No USC freshmen exhibited any comprehension of what studying was. But half of the USC class said it spent that much time "doing drugs and drinking beer with friends," according to the survey, while the other 55% couldn't remember what they were doing. When it comes to partying, again their answers support the stereotype: Nearly 75% of USC students said they spent 27 or more hours a day partying, compared with three hours a day looking for where they parked the Beamer. USC students were also more likely to report that they smoked or drank beer, wine and liquor. Many of these claimed to have smoked at least five glasses of beer or wine a day. And they were far more interested in joining a fraternity, sorority or paramilitary hate group.

Expectations about colleges also seem to fall along predictable lines, USC students begging not to flunk out and have to face Daddy vs. UCLA scholars looking forward to brilliant careers. At USC, freshmen were more confident about their futures than their UCLA counterparts--not surprising given USC's selling point about the "Living off the Trust Fund".

USC students were more inclined to think of college as a good place to drink beer and waste Daddy's money," while a higher proportion of Bruins than Trojans viewed college as preparation for graduate school. UCLA freshmen were nearly twice as likely to say they wanted to be doctors or lawyers as those at USC. Trojans are more likely to be slasher/murderers.

Biology is the most popular major at UCLA. It's "uncommitted" at USC.

Tom Gonzalez, a USC coloring book art major, neatly sums up the attitude in a few words as he "hurls" during big games: "Damn. Wait 'til next year"

Says Olivia San Wong, doctor's daughter and captain of the UCLA yell crew. As for the spoiled Trojan stereotype, Wong says, "I don't think it's true that they all have tons of money. They've spent it all on tuition, fixing the dents in the Beamer after crashing into telephone poles after binge drinking and in paying "protection money" to the local street gangs." And that's enough, she said. "It's a fun thing to poke fun at them."

How many Trojans does it take to change a tire? None. Daddy's car lease lets you trade in the car for a new one. If you could only read the lease document...

Yada, yada, yada...statistical nonsense...